In a not-so-startling development, the Obama administration announced a new program designed to "increase diversity among those who seek to implement man-caused disasters within our borders."
The program will be implemented in phases and overseen by Department of Homeland Security head Janet Napolitano. "There is a tremendous need to increase the diversity of man-caused disaster makers beyond the typical adherents of the religion-we-can't-name who's prophet-can't-be-seen-shown-or-ridiculed. We need more white, African-American, Latino and east Asian targets for predator drone attacks. The Jonas Brothers just aren't enough."
Applicants will be trained in various tactics including bomb-making, IED placement and target shooting at military installations across the United States. Of particular interest will be white, Anglo-Saxon males who have attended Tea Parties in the past 12 months. "This is a target demographic," according to the Secretary.
Evading airport security will also be emphasized. "We have to prove that our policy of targeting grandmothers and infants for greater inspection at airports is sound, so any retired folks that are bored at home we encourage to apply. Especially if they're white."
But the program isn't just seeking to increase ethnic diversity among man-caused disaster makers. Religious diversity is very important too. "Christians, Jews, Buddhists, Hindus -- all will be welcome. But no atheists or Wiccans, please. We do have a reputation to uphold."
Reaction to the new program was mixed with Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell decrying the added expense to increase the diversity of individuals who try to kill us. MSNBC's Contessa Brewer however was upbeat in her assessment:
"I'm glad our government has finally realized that it isn't whether an attempted man-caused disaster is successful or not, but that the perpetrators reflect the diversity of our society. The fear I have of outdated bigotry has subsided and my frustration has finally been abated."
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